A Dorm Room at Voorhees Hall, Columbia University, New York, Sunday

[sampippy]

Xanthippe was officially Stressed Out.

It was all over an essay, which wasn't even due until next Friday, but it was important and she had to get it perfect, because what if she didn't? What if she didn't, and she flunked out of the class, and she flunked right out of college, and her father would disown her and her mother would disown her and then she would have to move in with Kimmy and deal with that whole freak show and she would lose all status and purpose in life and probably, like, end up becoming BFFs with Kimmy's extra-weirdo landlady and getting matching tattoos in a crack den and --

Anyway, yeah, she was currently doing what any self-respecting college student would do in her situation: screaming into a pillow.

Thank Christ her roommates weren't home right now.

[ooc: NFB but open for texts/calls/surprise visits!]

Comments

[sampippy]

Xanthippe's face went on a whole journey of expressions.

First, she just looked kind of surprised and honestly almost faintly amused that he'd sassed her with the 'tears of joy' bit.

Then her expression opened up, because... Okay, no one but the shrinks they'd sent her to during and after her parents' divorce had really even tried to read her like that.

But, that also meant that no one had actually looked at her that closely, and she really only knew of one reaction to any danger to whatever front she was currently presenting. And that was to go on the defense.

Her eyebrows furrowed. Hard. "That's just, that's not true," she sputtered. "I'm just fine or whatever, it's normal to not be hap--"

Yeah, okay, she knew how stupid that sounded, and her mouth snapped shut.

[vrajna_kralis]

"It is not," Hyacinthe said, sharply. And then he gentled. "And you know 'tis not. You may believe that being unhappy now will ensure your unhappiness later and I'll not gainsay you, but please, Xanthippe, don't pretend that you're happy or that this is normal."

His thumb slid over and brushed against her lower lip. "You deserve better than this and I don't know why you disagree."

[sampippy]

This time, Xanthippe dropped her own hand back into her lap, and actually tried to evade his touch - although it was probably more of a side effect of her posture hunching up some than it was a movement to get away from him.

"Everything's fine," she reiterated, with slightly less fire but still scrunching up her face something fierce. "This s just... this is how life is. You know, for a, for a college student."

[vrajna_kralis]

"No, I really don't know," Hyacinthe said softly. "Your college is the only one I've ever been to. And the university in Caerdicca would never accept me, even did I have the means to pay for it. But does it seem that this is how life is for the other students here? Your roommates?"

[sampippy]

Xanthippe looked uncomfortable. There was even a slight squirm, and not in the fun way.

"Well, it's different for my roommates," she said, "because they're, like, jocks. All they have to care about is sports, and they barely even have to care about that because they're, like, so obscenely good at it or whatever."

She would've liked for something to feel that effortless to her, too.

[vrajna_kralis]

"It's very rare someone is so good at something that they need not work at it," Hyacinthe said softly. "And moreso that they'd all be clustered together like this. Xan, cherie, look at me. Please?"

[sampippy]

They were about two feet from the rowing machine her roommates devoted most of their free time to, so it was possible Xanthippe had undersold the effort they put towards being good at what they did.

Reluctantly, she looked at him. But she looked helpless and agitated.

[vrajna_kralis]

"Why are you so devoted to this one path?" he asked her. "Why do you feel like you have no options?"

[sampippy]

"Because this is what people do," she replied.

It was sort of a whine, especially towards the end.

[vrajna_kralis]

"Which people?" Hyacinthe asked, raising an eyebrow. "And if they're all as unhappy as you are, why do you wish to be like them? Especially when you have options."

[sampippy]

"Like every Voorhees since we got run out of the Netherlands, and probably even before that." Yeah that was a whine, too. "I mean, my name is on this building, that's how much history there is.

For the record, she still thought it was some amazingly offensive bullshit that she'd been put in this dorm in the first place.

[vrajna_kralis]

"At which point do you get to be happy?" Hyacinthe asked, briefly trying to remember where the Netherlands was. "When do you get to be Xan. When do you get to start living your life to be you and not to be some person whose name is on a building?"

[sampippy]

"... Probably when I'm like forty and, like, running Time Magazine?"

But probably not.

She was deflating a little.

[vrajna_kralis]

"And this is what I do not understand," Hya said simply. "You're brilliant. You're beautiful. You could do anything you wished." He tucked her hair back behind her ear, looking at her earnestly. "So then why do you limit yourself to what you think others wish of you?"

[sampippy]

"Because I'm not brilliant." And now she was trying to shift off his lap and onto the couch next to him, where she'd be able to pull her knees up to her chest and be the self-conscious mess her heart clearly yearned to be. "Like, not as much as I wish I was." Because she was setting the bar too high for herself, probably. "Like, what I've already written of my paper sounds like it was done by a five-year-old with like, cognitive disabilities or something."

Not true. But she felt like it was.

"And I'm not even pretty enough to just get by on that, either."

[vrajna_kralis]

"Do you see me as a five year old with cognitive disabilities?" Hyacinthe asked, leaning casually against the couch.

[sampippy]

Xanthippe thunked her head against her knees. There, now she was a ball. A ball of stress and despair and a dawning existential crisis.

"No, but you're not in college, trying to impress a professor who's old as rocks, either."

[vrajna_kralis]

Hya leaned forward, picked her up bodily, and put her back in his lap. "Technically," he said, lips twitching, "I'm far, far older than they, at least if you count by date of natality." His arms were warm around her. He wasn't demanding she sit up and look at him, just gently holding her, and offering her his support.

[sampippy]

Unfortunately, Xanthippe didn't actually let him.

"What are you -- no." There was a big ol' squirm and everything, to avoid being moved. "And this isn't a joke, Hya."

The upside? She was comfortable enough with him to actually react negatively. The Xan of old would've felt it necessary to try and stay his good graces by any means necessary.

[vrajna_kralis]

Once she started squirming, he let go. "No, it isn't," he agreed. "And 'tis not that I'm not taking it seriously. I apologize; my levity was amiss. I wanted you to uncurl a bit, not to dismiss your concerns."

But she just looked so - twisted up and uncomfortable.

[sampippy]

Funnily enough, she also felt both of those things! Except there was really nothing funny about it.

As they'd just discussed.

Her arms were wrapped tight around her bent legs. "Sorry," she mumbled, because she couldn't think of anything else to say.

[vrajna_kralis]

"You needn't apologize," he assured her. "I am just - I worry for you." Hya ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head. "I do not want you miserable, chasing a dream that isn't yours. But it's not my place to tell you want to do, either."

[sampippy]

"I don't even have any dreams."

That was a lot more subdued than before. Kind of dry, too. And resigned.

Actually a lot resigned.

Her arms relaxed a little, but her forehead stayed pressed to her knees. "You know I didn't even wanna come to this school at first? I wanted to go to school in California."

[vrajna_kralis]

"But you came because you felt you had to?" Hyacinthe guessed. "Because it was expected?"

He chuckled and looked away. "I am afraid to tell you my dreams," he admitted. "They are so...mundane, I suppose. Nothing."

[sampippy]

"Legacy."

So yes, because it was expected, because if you were a Voorhees, you went to Columbia, end of discussion.

She turned her head, just a little bit, until she could peek at him through the dark strands of her hair that were still mostly obscuring her face.

She sounded a little softer. "Tell me anyway?"